Sunday Morning Reflections

In my pain and wounded being, I breathe through the sadness, the discomfort, the fear and the hopelessness I feel in my broken body. Yes, me, the fearless woman...I feel broken. I know I am NOT broken but sadly that is how I feel in this moment of wallowing in self pity. Hey, I know it's there so why not take advantage of the drama? I'm an artist I deserve a piece of wallow!

My decision to blog about the depth of my darkness is part of my plan (do I have one?) to heal my body and soul. I know on the other side of this is "pure positive energy and bliss." Consciously, I know that I have  a choice to feel good or to feel bad. My belly aches, not only from being cut into and probed but also aches from the emotional pain that is bubbling up into my heart. Is this resistance? What am I resisting? Perhaps I am resisting gratitude. However, I am caught hemoraging this angst that is so palpable that it throbs throughout my body and rings in my ears.

In the past, this is where I would hide out, posture or whine and cry to my sweet husband Joe. Here's where I step out into my new self and see the new me rising above all this "stuff." Here's where I reach out to those I know love me, support me and allow me to dive into the muck and mire of my dark diva. Here's where I allow me to "sit with myself." Here's where I let go of my perception of who I am supposed to be as a "fearless" leader. Ouch, that makes me cringe. Here's where I breathe into the healing of what Spirit has to offer so beautifully, sumptuously and lovingly. Here's where I sit in my truth. Here's where I open my tired eyes to inspirational teachers and soak in the wisdom of their experience...

“This month I invite you to sit with yourself in the middle of a feeling that is uncomfortable. Feel the pain. I hope you can hear me whisper this to you, with the love of the ages in my voice, a strength and gentleness that wraps around you. I have faith in your ability to heal yourself. I have faith in your ability to contain and absorb and dance with the truth of exactly where you find yourself in this moment. I have faith in all of us.”
-Tama Kieves, enewsletter

So here I sit in my purple chair gazing out at the gray sky with palm trees poking up to the clouds. I hope it pours again. I long to stand naked in the rain to cleanse my whole being. Then my earth body would be clean again and I can take it off, hang it on the line to dry and let my soul glow magnificently with the freedom that it should be.

And the fearless healing continues...